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Romance is Dead or I Hate You and Your Lame Book, Too ;; PG
Title: Romance is Dead OR I Hate You and Your Lame Book, Too.
Pairing: Chris Pine/Zachary Quinto
Rating: PG?
Summary: Chris likes Twilight. Zach mocks.
Word Count: ~1800
Warnings: Twilight mockery. Copious Twilight quoting. General crackiness. Also, Chris gets mildly violent.
Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight. No clue what these guys really get up to in their spare time (but I seriously doubt it's this). I deal in lies, kids.
AN: For This Prompt at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
trek_rpf_kink. Hopefully, this is funny (but probably not as much as I think it is). No beta because I just wrote it quickyly...But a big thanks to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chellealistic for proving someone else laughed! <3
Also, I stole a line directly from the “second” left byhigh_flyer87. (Hope you don’t mind, bb!)
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“Really, Chris? Really?” Zach’s voice was as close to shrill as it could possibly be. Actually, he sounded as if someone had just dissed his hair, hat, and dog all in one sentence.
Chris sighed and mentally backtracked to figure out when he’d insulted Noah and was pretty sure it hadn’t happened since that one time with the coffee and his laptop. “What are you on about?”
Suddenly, a thick, black covered hardback book fell to the table in front of him, the arguably iconic pasty pale hands and apple picture facing up. “It’s filth. My I.Q., man. It’s seriously disintegrating! I feel myself dumbing down from the proximity!”
“Did you finish it or are you judging by the first chapter? I promised it would get better at The Meadow.” Chris was flipping pages, trying to ascertain if Zach had committed the fatal sin of dog-earing pages.
Zach threw his hands into the air in exasperation. “I can hear the caps when you say that! The Meadow. The Meadow. The Meadow!”
His play on inflection would have been amusing if Chris wasn’t a second away from hugging the book to his chest in defense. “Did you finish it?” He repeated.
“I did, unfortunately.” Zach threw himself back into a chair and poked at the book. “How can you even call this literature? Fiction is also too generous. Were you high when you read this? It must have been some seriously powerful shit. Have any left?”
Chris threw a french fry at him. “You’re educated, didn’t you ever learn how to analyze literature?”
“Yes. Apparently, you didn’t.” Fishing in his pocket for a moment, Zach produced his phone and lifted it to his ear. “Hi, U.C. Berkeley? I’d like to discuss rescinding the degree of one Christopher Whitelaw Pine. Yes, I’ll hold.”
“Zaaaach,” Chris put on his best whiny voice, throwing in some pouting and batting his eyes. “It’s about eternal love and how love transcends all obstacles of time and states of being! The writing does leave something to be desired, but how do you overlook the love story?”
For his part, Zach was trying to ignore the entirely too adorable sulking projected from across the table. “He’s a couple hundred years old and seducing a minor. What part of statutory rape do you not understand?”
“They don’t have sex until Breaking Dawn, which, admittedly is a let-down.”
“Oh, God! You’ve read them all?” Zach proceeded to drop his head to the table in defeat. There was no reasoning with a rabid fanboy.
“Tomorrow you start New Moon. It’s completely heartbreaking, which proves love can become a lifeline even though there are various types and shades. Then Eclipse is about decisions, change, and new chapters in life. Breaking Dawn is a self-indulgent fail, but you have to read them all once you get started.”
“I hate you.”
For a second, Zach actually meant the declaration, at least he did once Chris spent the better part of half an hour dissecting Twilight based on themes. Zach barely managed not to tell him the themes were imaginary until he found a better way to handle this whole obsession, because that’s what it was, now that he knew its extent.
His fist chance came at a bar two night later.
“You’re, like, my own personal brand of heroin,” a gravelly voice whispered in Chris’ ear, somehow still intelligible through the low roar of the bar.
Without looking, Chris shot an elbow back, grinning when Zach yelped. “Is that any way to treat your stalker!”
“It’s not about stalking!” Chris pouted into his beer, motioning for another.
“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s about covertly tracking someone’s every move. Semantics, my dear Christopher,” Zach waved a hand. Slipping onto the barstool beside Chris, he stole the new beer and grinned. “You’re no longer allowed to drink. It will thin your blood and you probably won’t smell as appetizing to all the wayward vampires.”
“Pheromones!” Chris interjected just as there was a lull in the pounding beat, earning him a few stares. “Those are scientifically proven. But it’s not the scent. It’s the intrigue, the way you can’t actually love someone until you know them. You can be attracted on the first meeting, but it’s not love until you get involved.”
This, Chris thought, was a fairly sound argument. Zach, unfortunately, was not to be deterred. “Do you have Team Edward boxers or something?”
“I hate you.” The glare fell from his face when Zach threw an arm around his shoulders briefly.
“I don’t sparkle. It’s okay, I get it.” Really, Zach was lucky he was pretty or Chris may have disowned him for his sheer inability to understand the vast and varied dynamic of undiluted romance.
Chris finally stopped sulking about it a few minutes later and Zach let the Twilight teasing slide. Until the next afternoon, at any rate.
Out of some sort of fool obligation, Chris had gone to the gym even if he was tired enough to sleep for a week. In his state of unrest, it took an inordinate amount of time to even check his voicemail. He was trying to remember if you hit the five or seven to save and continue when he was caught off guard as hands cupped his face and lips met his.
Chris ricocheted backwards in surprise, reeling and nearly falling into the wall. “What the hell, Zach?” He sputtered, eyes narrowed at both the light streaming in through the closest window and the fact that Zach had jumped him before noon. In semi-public.
“Just seeing if your knees would buckle,” Zach shrugged, grin playing at the corners of him mouth. “Even if that reaction was definitely worth it without the ulterior motive. I guess we’re not soul mates. It’s heartbreaking. How can I go on?” Arm thrown over his eyes, he pretended to swoon.
“Ugh,” Chris gave a fairly impressive growl if he did say so himself. “Are you planning on letting this go some time in the near future?”
“Oh, no. This is better than that weekend you refused to watch anything other than Lifetime movies.”
“I was depressed! It was on my sister’s advice!” The internal battle between defending himself to Zach and making a coffee run finally spurred his feet toward the door. He’d nearly pushed it open when Zach’s hand shot in front of his face, travel mug nearly colliding with his nose.
Sighing his thanks, Chris took it and sipped it experimentally. “You are-“
“Your hero?” His tone slipped into his best Sylar. “What if I’m the bad guy?”
“You are the bad guy. Who clearly never went through the whole bad boy phase. I thought the bad-boy-with-a-soft-side kink was obligatory.” Zach picking on him was normal; mocking was like breathing to them. This, however, was starting to wear on his nerves. Alternately, it could have been the sleep deprivation.
“Oh, baby, don’t be that way!” Zach coo’ed. “I brought you a present!”
It was a trick. It had to be a trick. Still, no one in their right mind complained about presents. He changed his stand on that the second he pulled the rubber Twilight bracelet, complete with dangling apple charm, from the little black bag.
Apparently, throwing the thing in Zach’s face was Hi-larious. As luck would have it, it was also effective in shutting Zach up for the rest of the day. There wasn’t even the recently customary I was not finished kissing you. Don’t make me come over there text. On the whole, that one was at least nearing sweet when you took it out of context. Not that Zach would understand such things, he just thought he was being all witty. Which he wasn’t. At all.
Clearly, Zach had grown bored of the Chris-is-a-TwiHard joke, and not a moment too soon. The lack of mockery lulled Chris into a false sense of security as he all but fell into bed that night. He’d been so busy being charming and reading through scripts from his agent that he was bound and determined to enjoy the ability to sleep in the following morning.
All was well in his warm bed, visions of sugar plums and all that. Chris was in the middle of a fairly vivid dream that slightly resembled the cinematography for a scene involving a really kick ass acid trip when something jolted him awake. Trying to shake the sleep-haze from his mind, Chris gazed around the room, stopping with his eyes on the open window. Wind must have blown something over.
He was about to burrow back under his fluffy comforter when he realized he hadn’t opened a window. Then movement caught his peripheral vision. Then he most certainly didn’t scream, squeal, or squeak. Nope, not at all. Chris actually invented a new sound that merged all three.
His mind finally caught up. Turning his head, there was a whole shadow there, a silhouette of a person. “WHAT THE HELL!” Echoed around the room just before the cackling started.
“I TOLD YOU!” And yes, that was cackling, like a Hocus Pocus witch. "There’s a difference between being romantic and just plain creepy, and I'm afraid, my friend, you do not know the difference. This isn’t romantic. At. All!"
Chris’ heart was somewhere near his throat, cheeks burning as Zach pushed away from the wall and crawled up from the foot of the bed. “NOT WHEN YOU DO IT! You make it SHADY!”
This set off a new round of cackling. “There is nothing sexy about stalking! I watch you sleep once and you scream like a little girl! Hayden isn’t even that high-pitched.”
Chris sulked again. He pouted…again. He crossed his arms and scowled. Granted, the darkness probably negated all of this, but the actions were implied by the huffs of breaths he was steadily releasing.
“Clearly, romance is dead,” Chris muttered as Zach stretched out at his side, tugging and pushing until Chris was sprawled out as well.
“OH! That’s a good one! I need to use that.” The older man was nearly choking with glee as Chris repented the pun, rolling over to face the wall and pout in peace.
Zach wiggled about, clearly kicking off his jeans and having serious issues from the sheer tightness, making Chris smirk. When Zach finally situated himself enough to drape an arm over Chris waist, Chris resumed pouting even if it wasn’t visible. He was just starting to come off the fear-high and relax into Zach’s body when he was interrupted.
“Chris?” Zach whispered against his shoulder.
Weary as he was, he responded anyway. “Yeah?”
“Don’t forget to breathe.”
The subsequent head butt hurt Chris as much as Zach, but the whining was well worth it.
End
Pairing: Chris Pine/Zachary Quinto
Rating: PG?
Summary: Chris likes Twilight. Zach mocks.
Word Count: ~1800
Warnings: Twilight mockery. Copious Twilight quoting. General crackiness. Also, Chris gets mildly violent.
Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight. No clue what these guys really get up to in their spare time (but I seriously doubt it's this). I deal in lies, kids.
AN: For This Prompt at
trek_rpf_kink. Hopefully, this is funny (but probably not as much as I think it is). No beta because I just wrote it quickyly...But a big thanks to chellealistic for proving someone else laughed! <3Also, I stole a line directly from the “second” left by
high_flyer87. (Hope you don’t mind, bb!)-----------------------
“Really, Chris? Really?” Zach’s voice was as close to shrill as it could possibly be. Actually, he sounded as if someone had just dissed his hair, hat, and dog all in one sentence.
Chris sighed and mentally backtracked to figure out when he’d insulted Noah and was pretty sure it hadn’t happened since that one time with the coffee and his laptop. “What are you on about?”
Suddenly, a thick, black covered hardback book fell to the table in front of him, the arguably iconic pasty pale hands and apple picture facing up. “It’s filth. My I.Q., man. It’s seriously disintegrating! I feel myself dumbing down from the proximity!”
“Did you finish it or are you judging by the first chapter? I promised it would get better at The Meadow.” Chris was flipping pages, trying to ascertain if Zach had committed the fatal sin of dog-earing pages.
Zach threw his hands into the air in exasperation. “I can hear the caps when you say that! The Meadow. The Meadow. The Meadow!”
His play on inflection would have been amusing if Chris wasn’t a second away from hugging the book to his chest in defense. “Did you finish it?” He repeated.
“I did, unfortunately.” Zach threw himself back into a chair and poked at the book. “How can you even call this literature? Fiction is also too generous. Were you high when you read this? It must have been some seriously powerful shit. Have any left?”
Chris threw a french fry at him. “You’re educated, didn’t you ever learn how to analyze literature?”
“Yes. Apparently, you didn’t.” Fishing in his pocket for a moment, Zach produced his phone and lifted it to his ear. “Hi, U.C. Berkeley? I’d like to discuss rescinding the degree of one Christopher Whitelaw Pine. Yes, I’ll hold.”
“Zaaaach,” Chris put on his best whiny voice, throwing in some pouting and batting his eyes. “It’s about eternal love and how love transcends all obstacles of time and states of being! The writing does leave something to be desired, but how do you overlook the love story?”
For his part, Zach was trying to ignore the entirely too adorable sulking projected from across the table. “He’s a couple hundred years old and seducing a minor. What part of statutory rape do you not understand?”
“They don’t have sex until Breaking Dawn, which, admittedly is a let-down.”
“Oh, God! You’ve read them all?” Zach proceeded to drop his head to the table in defeat. There was no reasoning with a rabid fanboy.
“Tomorrow you start New Moon. It’s completely heartbreaking, which proves love can become a lifeline even though there are various types and shades. Then Eclipse is about decisions, change, and new chapters in life. Breaking Dawn is a self-indulgent fail, but you have to read them all once you get started.”
“I hate you.”
For a second, Zach actually meant the declaration, at least he did once Chris spent the better part of half an hour dissecting Twilight based on themes. Zach barely managed not to tell him the themes were imaginary until he found a better way to handle this whole obsession, because that’s what it was, now that he knew its extent.
His fist chance came at a bar two night later.
“You’re, like, my own personal brand of heroin,” a gravelly voice whispered in Chris’ ear, somehow still intelligible through the low roar of the bar.
Without looking, Chris shot an elbow back, grinning when Zach yelped. “Is that any way to treat your stalker!”
“It’s not about stalking!” Chris pouted into his beer, motioning for another.
“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s about covertly tracking someone’s every move. Semantics, my dear Christopher,” Zach waved a hand. Slipping onto the barstool beside Chris, he stole the new beer and grinned. “You’re no longer allowed to drink. It will thin your blood and you probably won’t smell as appetizing to all the wayward vampires.”
“Pheromones!” Chris interjected just as there was a lull in the pounding beat, earning him a few stares. “Those are scientifically proven. But it’s not the scent. It’s the intrigue, the way you can’t actually love someone until you know them. You can be attracted on the first meeting, but it’s not love until you get involved.”
This, Chris thought, was a fairly sound argument. Zach, unfortunately, was not to be deterred. “Do you have Team Edward boxers or something?”
“I hate you.” The glare fell from his face when Zach threw an arm around his shoulders briefly.
“I don’t sparkle. It’s okay, I get it.” Really, Zach was lucky he was pretty or Chris may have disowned him for his sheer inability to understand the vast and varied dynamic of undiluted romance.
Chris finally stopped sulking about it a few minutes later and Zach let the Twilight teasing slide. Until the next afternoon, at any rate.
Out of some sort of fool obligation, Chris had gone to the gym even if he was tired enough to sleep for a week. In his state of unrest, it took an inordinate amount of time to even check his voicemail. He was trying to remember if you hit the five or seven to save and continue when he was caught off guard as hands cupped his face and lips met his.
Chris ricocheted backwards in surprise, reeling and nearly falling into the wall. “What the hell, Zach?” He sputtered, eyes narrowed at both the light streaming in through the closest window and the fact that Zach had jumped him before noon. In semi-public.
“Just seeing if your knees would buckle,” Zach shrugged, grin playing at the corners of him mouth. “Even if that reaction was definitely worth it without the ulterior motive. I guess we’re not soul mates. It’s heartbreaking. How can I go on?” Arm thrown over his eyes, he pretended to swoon.
“Ugh,” Chris gave a fairly impressive growl if he did say so himself. “Are you planning on letting this go some time in the near future?”
“Oh, no. This is better than that weekend you refused to watch anything other than Lifetime movies.”
“I was depressed! It was on my sister’s advice!” The internal battle between defending himself to Zach and making a coffee run finally spurred his feet toward the door. He’d nearly pushed it open when Zach’s hand shot in front of his face, travel mug nearly colliding with his nose.
Sighing his thanks, Chris took it and sipped it experimentally. “You are-“
“Your hero?” His tone slipped into his best Sylar. “What if I’m the bad guy?”
“You are the bad guy. Who clearly never went through the whole bad boy phase. I thought the bad-boy-with-a-soft-side kink was obligatory.” Zach picking on him was normal; mocking was like breathing to them. This, however, was starting to wear on his nerves. Alternately, it could have been the sleep deprivation.
“Oh, baby, don’t be that way!” Zach coo’ed. “I brought you a present!”
It was a trick. It had to be a trick. Still, no one in their right mind complained about presents. He changed his stand on that the second he pulled the rubber Twilight bracelet, complete with dangling apple charm, from the little black bag.
Apparently, throwing the thing in Zach’s face was Hi-larious. As luck would have it, it was also effective in shutting Zach up for the rest of the day. There wasn’t even the recently customary I was not finished kissing you. Don’t make me come over there text. On the whole, that one was at least nearing sweet when you took it out of context. Not that Zach would understand such things, he just thought he was being all witty. Which he wasn’t. At all.
Clearly, Zach had grown bored of the Chris-is-a-TwiHard joke, and not a moment too soon. The lack of mockery lulled Chris into a false sense of security as he all but fell into bed that night. He’d been so busy being charming and reading through scripts from his agent that he was bound and determined to enjoy the ability to sleep in the following morning.
All was well in his warm bed, visions of sugar plums and all that. Chris was in the middle of a fairly vivid dream that slightly resembled the cinematography for a scene involving a really kick ass acid trip when something jolted him awake. Trying to shake the sleep-haze from his mind, Chris gazed around the room, stopping with his eyes on the open window. Wind must have blown something over.
He was about to burrow back under his fluffy comforter when he realized he hadn’t opened a window. Then movement caught his peripheral vision. Then he most certainly didn’t scream, squeal, or squeak. Nope, not at all. Chris actually invented a new sound that merged all three.
His mind finally caught up. Turning his head, there was a whole shadow there, a silhouette of a person. “WHAT THE HELL!” Echoed around the room just before the cackling started.
“I TOLD YOU!” And yes, that was cackling, like a Hocus Pocus witch. "There’s a difference between being romantic and just plain creepy, and I'm afraid, my friend, you do not know the difference. This isn’t romantic. At. All!"
Chris’ heart was somewhere near his throat, cheeks burning as Zach pushed away from the wall and crawled up from the foot of the bed. “NOT WHEN YOU DO IT! You make it SHADY!”
This set off a new round of cackling. “There is nothing sexy about stalking! I watch you sleep once and you scream like a little girl! Hayden isn’t even that high-pitched.”
Chris sulked again. He pouted…again. He crossed his arms and scowled. Granted, the darkness probably negated all of this, but the actions were implied by the huffs of breaths he was steadily releasing.
“Clearly, romance is dead,” Chris muttered as Zach stretched out at his side, tugging and pushing until Chris was sprawled out as well.
“OH! That’s a good one! I need to use that.” The older man was nearly choking with glee as Chris repented the pun, rolling over to face the wall and pout in peace.
Zach wiggled about, clearly kicking off his jeans and having serious issues from the sheer tightness, making Chris smirk. When Zach finally situated himself enough to drape an arm over Chris waist, Chris resumed pouting even if it wasn’t visible. He was just starting to come off the fear-high and relax into Zach’s body when he was interrupted.
“Chris?” Zach whispered against his shoulder.
Weary as he was, he responded anyway. “Yeah?”
“Don’t forget to breathe.”
The subsequent head butt hurt Chris as much as Zach, but the whining was well worth it.
End
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There is nothing as sparkly as this fic. I can't stop laughing.
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haha Got to love crackiness you can see. lol
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Zach is such a snarky ninja in this. I love it!
You did good, bb ;D And you used my line! Tee hee *blushes*
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What's better than snarky!Zach in any setting? NOTHING! ;)
Dude, it was an awesome line! <3
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Glad it made you grin. :)
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(Anonymous) 2009-08-26 05:28 pm (UTC)(link)no subject
And Thank You for for the awesome comment!
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This is hilarious, it's brilliant, awww man I'd love to see Chris all huffy and defensive about Twilight, even the thought of that is making me lolol.
Hehehe XD
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I'm glad you liked it enough to have that many fave lines! ;)
Seriously though, Thank you! I'm glad defensive!Chris and snarky!Zach are as funny to you as they were in my head.
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This was hillarious :D
But Chris´s analysing makes me think... have you read all of them? :D (I gave it up after the first one, just like Zach :D )
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>.> Uh..see...well...Okay, I'll own up to it. I have read all of them. And mocked them the whole way through, but they're sort of my guilty pleasure. I'm mostly in it for the minor characters anyway. lol
I feel like I should be ashamed, but I console myself with the fact that if I can still freely poke fun and laugh at it, I'm not a crazy TwiHard. ;)
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“Tomorrow you start New Moon. It’s completely heartbreaking, which proves love can become a lifeline even though there are various types and shades. Then Eclipse is about decisions, change, and new chapters in life. Breaking Dawn is a self-indulgent fail, but you have to read them all once you get started.”
“I hate you.”
THIS! I HAD THIS CONVERSATION WITH MY MOTHER!!! She's ridiculously in love with Twilight and convinced me to try and read the first one, but I threw it at her head after about two chapters.... hee
Zach barely managed not to tell him the themes were imaginary until he found a better way to handle this while obsession, because that’s what it was, now that he knew its extent. I think you meant "whole obsession"
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Oh, I've had that conversation soooo many times. Both sides of it, actually. Though I don't go to baat for Twilight too often (as if you can't tell from my blatant mockery of it lol).
*headdesk* I did. Thanks! I've gone back and fixed so many typos it's not even funny. ;)
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Take a minute and SERIOUSLY try to hear that sound. It's hysterical! Promise! ;)
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MADE OF WIN, LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!! XD <3333333333333333
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xD Glad you liked! <33
*cuddles*
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Glad it made you laugh!
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I think my favorite was Zach's "phone call" to UC Berkley to discuss Chris' degree. LOL
Oh Twilight...mocking you will never cease to amuse me. But having Zach mock Twilight is the BEST! :)
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That part's based on a real conversation...only it didn't involve Berkeley...or Chris...and was vastly less amusing haha.
Twilight is just...SO easy to mock. It sort of does it itself! Glad you liked it!!
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"He's a couple hundred years old and seducing a minor! What part of statutory rape do you not understand?"
That was just beautiful. I could hear Zach's voice cracking from incredulity as he said that.
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It's funny because it's true! (sorry, been watching Will & Grace lol)
Glad you liked it!
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I loved this to death. Definitely reccing it out, and mem'ing it!
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Haha Oh, I'm 99% sure Chris and Zach would hate Twilight on principle alone. But like
Glad you liked!!!
this this this..... was awesome!
Chris-is-a-TwiHard... your brain is amazing
Re: this this this..... was awesome!
My brain IS a fun place to live...sometimes...when it makes sense. ;)
Thanks for reading! Glad you liked!!
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Thanks! Glad you liked!
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And OMG! Zach making Chris scream like a girl to prove Twilight isn't romantic... MADE.OF.WIN. :D
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I can't take credit for thaaaat since it was part of the prompt...but it is pretty awesome. XD
Twilight-haters are AWESOME.
Re: Twilight-haters are AWESOME.
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i think most of us had the same argument with TwiHards before and the non-TwiHards can never get it >< must be interesting standing from your POV then; you don't hate it but neither do you foam over sparkly vampires XD
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Nope, I don't hate it...I'm kind of a fan, actually. But I'm not so far gone I can't see all the nonsense...and I actually like pointing out all that nonsense! Besides, I like my vampires with a bit more edge and bit less glitter. ;)